And on the eighth day of Chanukah my true love gave to me — or am I mixing up my holiday songs — an official Richard Nixon showerhead!
I’m bummed that I’ve misplaced the attachment, over which you slip Dick’s face, but it was a good one, perhaps not in the class of Kramer’s Commando 450 but still powerful enough to get a warning letter from the water department. You just have to get over the fright of seeing Nixon in full shit-eating grin every time you step into the shower (The artist must have based his design on a photo of Nixon the day he ordered the carpet-bombing of Hanoi).
Here it is:
Now, I couldn’t end this series without a few pieces of business. First, it seems to me that if the Yule Log is the traditional way to enjoy Christmas in homes without true fireplaces, then in a house where there is no Richard Nixon to celebrate a Richard Nixon Chanukah, this link to Nixon’s Checkers Speech must suffice. Nixon fans love to chuckle over the great line about Pat’s Republican cloth coat, but my favorite part is right at the beginning where he nearly chokes over the word “integrity.”
Two, while this is not really a Nixon joke, it’s still a good one, so I offer it as a sort of Chanukah sock stuffer: It was 1968, and late into the night the election was still undecided. Finally Hubert Humphrey realizes they’re not going to know the outcome until the morning, so he and his wife decide to go to bed. But ever the optimist, just before they turn out the light, Hubert turns to his wife and says, “Muriel, when you wake up in the morning, you’ll be sleeping with the president.”
Well, the next morning they wake up to the bad news. Muriel looks at Humphrey and says, “So is Dick coming here, or am I going there?”
And that’s just about it, ladies and gentlemen, except one final thing. If anything, I hope this series has inspired you to think about the mystery of Richard Nixon’s popularity. In fact, I think it’s such a huge question that only a new Web series such as Big Questions can tackle it, so please, head over to the Big Questions Web site and help get it off the ground so we might ksolve the mystery of Richard Nixon’s life and career once and for all.
Until next year, Happy Richard Nixon Chanukah everyone.
Now on to a Spiro Agnew Christmas!
Say your favorite GOP couple and their charming kids, little Trish and little Julie are coming over dinner. It’s important to set a nice table, so tonight we have a gift suggestion that that will not only impress your guests but also be the perfect conversation starter about the glory days of the Southern strategy or when Dick put those incorrigible long-haired Jewish hippie war protesters to shame when he proved he knew more about college football than they did.
Here it is. If he were still alive and a reader of the Kisseloff Collection (and who isn’t, at this point?), Richard Nixon would have taken the opportunity during this holiday season to express his admiration and personal affection for the Jewish race — those tapes, be damned — he was just kidding. After all, I’m sure he’d add, his best friend, Henry Kissinger, is Jewish, and make no mistake about it, there isn’t a finer example of the true noble and peace-loving nature of his people than Henry.
Now, one of the Kisseloff Collection biggest donors, Ms. Deborah Frost (a Jewess of the highest order), suggested that Philip Glass’s “Nixon in China” would be the perfect gift to go along with our theme. Alas, Ms. Frost makes two mistakes. 1) she is not quite familiar with the rules of the Kisseloff Collection as set down by its Board of Directors. According to page 120, paragraph 4, section 3 of the Kisseloff Collection constitution, any items on display must actually be in the possession of the blog’s proprietor; or 2) if she indeed has gone over the published rules and regulations of the board she has overestimated the proprietor’s culture and taste.
However, because of Ms. Frost’s commitment to the financial health of the collection, we have made a special effort to accommodate her wishes, so we present the Kisseloff Collection depiction of the meeting of Nixon and Mao:
This official Richard Nixon tie clasp is for that special GOP friend who needs to get dressed up and take his special someone (presumably not his wife) out for a fancy night on the town.
Happy Fourth Night of Chanukah!
On the second night of Richard Nixon Chanukah, we have Huck demonstrating the fun you (or your liberal canine) can have with the official Richard Nixon “I Am Not a Crook” punching bag. I would have let him pee on it, but we’re trying to encourage him not to do these things. Click on the picture to watch the great video, and notice the silent scream of terror from his mouth when he first lays his eyes on Tricky Dick.
And see you tomorrow night for night three.
This, the first night of a Richard Nixon Chanukah, we have the perfect gift. Hey, not only is it useful, but it’s also green! What’s a home without an official Richard M. Nixon lightswitch plate?
